Defenestration Isn't Always the Answer
by umexcuseme
Summary: In which Kunikida resorts to defenestration, Dazai is up to background shenanigans, Ranpo is (probably) a raccoon, and there's also some others in the background. Do I know where Kenji is? No! Do I know where Kyouka is? No! Do I know where everyone else is? No! I have definitely overrated it because of some language that I consider minor. I am not getting in trouble for it.


**_AN: This is the first thing I've ever decided to write and then post. Probably. And, ofc, its gonna be a probably crack oneshot with probably out of character characters._** **_Anyway, here:_**

It was an average day for the Armed Detective Agency- the sun was shining, Dazai had dragged Atsushi off to god-knows-where, and Kunikida was strictly following his schedule. So, perfectly average for the people at the ADA. Or rather, it would have been if not for the faint, but rapidly increasing in volume, screaming that was coming from outside.

Of course, the ADA wasn't unaccustomed to occasionally hearing screaming from outside. So all that really did was make the day go from 'average' to 'slightly unusual'. Kunikida was determinedly ignoring it, while Ranpo continued to shovel more snacks in his mouth, looking for all the world like some form of grotesque chipmunk (or, perhaps, a raccoon). Yosano looked up briefly from her work, 'hmm-ed' softly, and went back to typing. Tanizaki looked around in concern for a moments, before asking, "Should...should we go see what's going on?"

Kunikida, still typing furiously on his computer, was the only one to respond. "No."

"Bu-"

"No, Tanizaki. We finally have time to do some actual work without having to deal with Dazai's bullshit."

"But if it's an emerge-" he tried again.

"It's not. If it were, the president would have alerted us. As it is, I can sense this has something to do with Dazai."

"Ah, okay then..."

The source of the screaming was drawing closer to the ADA. Tanizaki was beginning to look more concerned, Yosano had looked up again from her work, Ranpo had quit stuffing snacks into his mouth and had now cocked his head to the side, and Kunikida was still typing furiously, determined to ignore it.

As the source of the screaming drew closer, just _what _the voice was screaming became clearer. Kunikida exhaled through his nose angrily, Yosano blinked twice, and Tanizaki's expression continued to look increasingly worried. Ranpo swallowed the food in his mouth and muttered, "Oh? I wonder what he did to work Mr. Fancy Hat into such a rage..."

"-OU DAMN MACKEREL, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GET IN MY PENTHOU-"

From his own office, Fukuzawa glanced out the window briefly before turning back to his computer to continue looking at pictures of cats. If anyone were to come in, it would look like he was completing paperwork and other such things. The mafia executive was steadily approaching the Armed Detective Agency, however the ADA president figured that his subordinates would be able to handle it without him. So, he went back to scrolling through pictures of cats.

Elsewhere, Dazai was beginning to cackle like a mad man, and Atsushi was beginning to look more and more panicked by the second. "Uh-um, Dazai, was that really okay...? Wasn't that breaking and entering?"

"Ahhh Atsushi. Atsushi, Atsushi, Atsushi. Sometimes, you need to have some fun in life. Sometimes, that means breaking and entering! Don't worry about it, everything will be fine~!"

"That really just concerns me more..."

Back over at the ADA, the screaming had finally stopped. However, it was now replaced with loud stomping coming up the stairs. One could have mistaken then for an elephant's, if not for the fact that the stairwell was far too small for an elephant to fit. Kunikida was still typing furiously, although now his face was a shade similar to that of a bottle of hotsauce, and his brows were furrowing more and more with each of the booming steps. The other three were now watching the door, waiting to see what happened next, like middle-aged housewives with a soap opera on.

So, of course, nobody was surprised when Port Mafia executive. Nakahara Chuuya, kicked down their door and demanded their attention in all his 5'3 glory. Honestly, it hadn't been hard to figure out. Ranpo had figured it out as soon as he heard the screaming, and the other three had figured out who it was once they heard the voice and just what was being screamed.

"WHERE THE HELL IS DAZAI." Chuuya scanned the room. No shitty mackerel in sight. Or weretiger, for that matter. Actually, only four of the Armed Detective Agency members were in the room at the moment. Although, he figured, Dazai could have decides to hide before he appeared. But, that was unlikely, as Dazai wasn't the type to miss an oppurtunity to mock him.

"You're paying for that door," Yosano pointed out, "And he isn't here. Obviously."

"Um, if you don't mind me asking... what did Dazai do?" Tanizaki had, apparently, decided that his concern outweighed his (rational) fear of the enraged man.

Ranpo shoveled popcorn in his mouth, still looking like a chipmunk. Or a raccoon, with his grabby little hands squishing food into his mouth. This was, after all, rather entertaining. Kunikida was still typing furiously, but less so in a fast manner and more so in an enraged manner. The blond man was _not _enjoying having his schedule and Dazai-free day interrupted.

"Fuck, fine, whatever, I'll write a check for it" He turned to Tanizaki, "Haa? You want to know what that _bastard_ did? He broke into _my penthouse_, had the _audacity _to eat my food, _and trash my damn penthouse._ And you can bet that asshole's gonna pay for it, whether in blood or money!"

At that, Kunikida stood up and slammed his hands on his desk.

"Nakahara, I am going to have to ask you to leave, as Dazai isn't here, you are disrupting our work, and quite frankly, I do not care. Leave."

"Ha? Hell no, I'm not leaving without Dazai. I'll wait."

"I see. If that is how you feel, then I shall take matters into my own hands."

And with that, Kunikida, in several swift movements, grabbed Chuuya by the armpits (making him look like a rather startled cat that had been picked up), and tossed hin out the window before the short man could react.

Outside, on the sidewalk, Dazai was doubled over laughing and Atsushi looked conflicted on whether he should start shrieking or laughing. This made him look like he had just seen some type of horrifically bizarre insect. All this did was make Dazai laugh harder.

Chuuya free fell for exactly two seconds before using his ability to stop his fall. Hearing Dazai's horse-like laughter, he wrote a quick check for the door he had demolished, zoomed back up to the Agency's office, and slapped it down inside.

"Here, don't bitch to me about the door, this should cover it. And tossing me out the window isn't the your best idea."

While three out of four of the ADA members where blinking at him, Ranpo laughed.

"Oh~? But Mr. Fancy Hat, it's our policy to defenestrate members of the Port Mafia when they're unwilling to cooperate."

"Tch. Whatever, I can hear that moron's laugh from here. I'm going after him."

And thus, the mafia executive fell out of the window. Again. This time, however, he did so willingly. Outside, Dazai was still dou led over laughing, when Atsushi tugged on his coat.

"Hm?"

"Ah, Dazai, look up."

"Oh~? Seems we need to start running Atsushi."

With that, the brunet grabbed the gray-haired teens wrist and took off running.

"DDDDDAAAAAZZZZZAAAAAIIIII"

"Catch us if you can, chibi~!"

"AAAAHHH I DIDN'T WANT A PART IN THIS-"

**_And that's that. First thing I've ever written and it's because I was thinking about the time the Black Lizard were thrown out the windows and I wanted to see Chuuya thrown out a window. Uh, if you enjoyed this somehow and actually read it, then feel free to like or comment or something. _**


End file.
